Wow I love babywearing. I love it so much, I’ve become an ‘evangelist’ of sorts, always recommending it to my fecund friends. I’ve even convinced a couple of them to give it a shot. In line with my enthusiasm, I’m always diligent about touting its benefits. For instance, the freedom of movement it gives me to have my little ones nap in the sling. I never have to cut short a trip to the mall with girlfriends because of nap time, because the sling allows us to take naptime with us. How wonderful!
But it has occurred to me of late, that I may not be engaging in a fully transparent discussion of the negatives of babywearing. I pride myself on being fair and balanced, so this oversight is a big deal. This post is my attempt to rectify the situation.
- Muscle Soreness. Carseat-toting parents often report shoulder and arm pain that sounds the opposite of fun. Babywearers, on the other hand, may find gluteal pain to be an issue. This is the result of performing the grande plies necessary to carry out household tasks like opening bottom drawers and picking toys up off the floor. Those with extensive ballet training have an 86% lower risk of acquiring a sore ass.
- Choking. Wearing a baby for several hours a day can conflict with parental meal times. Babywearers are often obligated to consume their dinner while bouncing a baby in the sling and this can, not surprisingly, create a choking hazard for the parent. At the very least it makes it more likely that your scrambled eggs will get snorted up into your sinuses when they were meant to head down your esophagus.
- Poor Infant Hygiene. The above-mentioned choking is only one side of the eating-while-wearing coin. The other side is that bits of your food will occasionally fall onto your baby’s head, necessitating more frequent baths. Particularly problematic is mayo as, not only is it sticky, but if not noticed promptly, it can also lead strangers to believe you let your kid hang out with bird crap on her head.
- Increased Housing Costs. Attempting to bounce your almost-but-not-quite asleep baby while peeing can cause your toilet to loosen from the floor, upping bathroom reno costs by 8,000%.
- Maternal Arrest by the Fashion Police. While many things are made easier with babywearing, putting shoes on is not one of those things. Consequently, you may find yourself in (frequent) violation of Section 334.6 of the Fashion Code of Conduct, which clearly states that hot pink Crocs are NOT an acceptable shoe choice for public outings.
This is by no means an inclusive list, but I hope it does serve to illustrate some of the considerations that must be taken into account before engaging in any babywearing activities, and to begin a frank and open discussion about the darker side of this otherwise valuable practice.
 Please note, this and any other statistics presented within this article are complete bullshit.
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