Well, you’ve probably noticed I’ve been MIA the last few weeks. I’ve been in limbo waiting for the next several years of my life to be decided and I was too frazzled about it to put two sentences together. But now the wait is over. I applied to the midwifery program here in Toronto. I beat out 230-ish candidates to make the short list, but I didn’t make it past the short list to be one of the 30 accepted this year.
The news was crappy on so many levels. Firstly because in my heart I want to be a midwife more than anything else. I’m meant to be a midwife and I would be a damn good one. It’s also crappy because the whole family has already invested a lot in this, even though I didn’t get in. We spent a couple of years putting away the tuition money I’ll need and then we moved the whole family here from Calgary, primarily (though not solely) for this. On a more selfish level, the news was disappointing because, honestly, I’m done with being at home. I wanted a new direction and a purpose other than my, admittedly gorgeous, baby. I know raising him is a very important job, but I need a bit more on my plate and another facet for my identity.
At the same time though, the news was oddly relieving. The holding pattern I was in, waiting to hear and not wanting to commit my time or resources starting other projects, was agonizing. And if I’m being honest, I was nervous about what it would mean to start this year. To make it work for our family, we would be on a tight timeline. We want a second baby so if I had been accepted, it would mean getting pregnant just as I started school. I was an excellent student but I’m long out of practice, so the thought of adding pregnancy fatigue into that mix was scary. Even scarier was the possibility that we wouldn’t just get pregnant on the first try like we did last time. What if I couldn’t time the baby for the start of summer holidays? Would I be able to cope with having a baby mid-term instead?
So what now then? On to Plan B. We still want that second baby, and now our timeline is a bit more relaxed. The earlier I have it, the easier it will be to transition when I get in to school next year. Yes, I said when. Plan B means reapplying. I know I can make the short list and next time I’ll have an edge for the interviews. Besides, the universe wants me to be a midwife. But in case of the unthinkable, I also need a way to make a living in the future. So, I’m starting training in all things birth and baby, starting with a birth doula workshop next month.