This month Dionna at Codename: Mama put out a challenge – to spread kindness daily through March. I was totally up for it so I made my list of kindness goals. I ticked off most of them, or at least made dents in them. But as it turned out, March became a month of trying to be kind enough to myself to get through the day.
We moved here from Calgary in October and since then it’s been a whirlwind. We moved into a sublet apartment, then 2 weeks later bought our first house that we moved into just after Christmas. So it’s taken until this month for the full effect of the move to really sink in. And boy, did it.
I’m completely alone here. I mean, we know people. Every weekend we have relatives visiting. But as a mom, I’m so desperately alone. In Calgary I knew so many moms. And not just any moms, but moms who didn’t look at me like I was insane for doing things the way I do them. Moms who were actually just like me.
I also had places I could go to and things I could do. Here, not only do I not yet know where kid-friendly stuff is located, I’m pretty sure I couldn’t get there if I did know. This city is so huge that if you don’t have a car, most of it is out of reach. The zoo is two and a half HOURS by transit. Driving Mr. Fair so I can use the car means $30 in 407 charges… a bit steep just to get out of the house.
I’ve applied to the midwifery program for this September. If I get in (I did get invited for an interview, yay!) I’ll need flexible childcare from someone I trust. If I don’t, we’ve agreed I’ll offer childcare to cover some bills while I start doula/childbirth educator training. In Calgary, thanks to those moms I knew and the fabulous local attachment parenting community, either situation would have been a snap. Here… not so much. I decided to put some ads out offering my dayhome services just in case I don’t get in. After 3 weeks, I haven’t had a single reply.
I know I’m wallowing here. I’m trying to focus on enjoying the time I have with Little Man. If I get into school I’ll be thrust back into the world so fast I’ll probably be wishing for this quiet isolation. But the magnitude of what I left behind just sort of hit me like a ton of bricks. And add to that the fact that I have to sit here and wait for an admissions committee to decide my future. I feel trapped, lonely and powerless. So I spent March holding out for a new, better season.