I came across this in my Facebook feed this morning and promptly felt like poopoo:
Do you see all of those moments of instant connection there? Ya, that wasn’t me.
If there had been a camera in my (first) birthing room, it would not have recorded me getting all gooey eyed like these lucky ladies. It would have caught me staring blankly at Little Man and it may have even picked up a single, barely audible word:
“Huh.”
Yup, that was my first reaction to my son.
Oh don’t get me wrong, he was a very wanted baby and everything. We had both spent hours on the couch feeling (and trying to film) his kicks through my belly. And I secretly didn’t hate the 13 ultrasounds our OBs put us through because I loved to watch him on the screen when we went. I loved this kid. But in the very first second after they put him on my chest and I looked at him it hit me: I actually had no clue who he was. He was a stranger.
You see, when you’re bonding with your baby in utero, what you’re bonding with is a collection of limbs that poke out at you from within your own body. You’re aware that they belong to someone else, but they’re still inside your body. They’re yours in a way. Then you push this little person into the world and suddenly he is exactly that – a whole other person. You’ve never seen his face, or the shape of his toes. You don’t know what colour his eyes really are or whether he’s got his dad’s chin. He’s a totally new entity. How do you love someone you don’t know?
And all of this is not to say that I didn’t bond with Little Man. There was definitely bonding. If not instantaneously, then at least by the time we put him to the breast. That part was a no-brainer… literally. It’s some sort of hybrid between a chemical reaction and an unconditioned reflex. But it wasn’t love, per se, and it didn’t make me all sloppy. That came later, slowly. As I got to know him, memorized his voice and breathed him in, I fell totally in love… finally.
So was it just me? Am I the only one who didn’t have that “Wow” feeling at the first moment?
I did fall instantly love with my daughter, my first born. But I just had my son 5 weeks ago and I felt like you did. I fell in love with over those first couple days. And now I love him is much I can hardly stand it but, yes, it was like looking at a stranger. I was so sick the first 25 weeks of pregnancy. And then it took awhile to even feel somewhat normal after that. And after his birth (which was more intense for me than my daughter’s), I just wanted to be sure I was okay (I had to transport to the hospital after my daughter’s birth for hemhorrage) so I was just so distracted by all that that it took me some time to fall in love. But that’s okay.
I think all of the distraction definitely does make a difference. With my first I was also overcome with relief that I pushed him out after we feared the hospital would force a C-section on us for my painfully slow progress. Then they whisked him away for the weighing and stuff. With Lady Fair we had midwives who let her stay parked on me for a good 45 minutes before they did anything. I felt gooeyer faster with her. But she also popped out looking like a clone of her brother (genitals aside!) so I think I felt like I already knew her.